My Fears

To quote Mel Gibson in "The Patriot", "I have long feared that the sins of my youth would be visited upon my children". As I lie awake in bed, I am consumed with fear and break out in an agonizing sweat. (I wonder if this is a hint of what our Lord felt as He agonized over His impending crucifixion while praying in the Garden of Gethsemane; His sweat dripping as drops of blood.) There are many choices that we can make in the course of our lives. I have made those choices; some great, some good, some...not so much. It is those loathsome ones which are the source of my angst. If you were to ask my closest of friends, the ones with whom I confide, they would tell you that there is very little in my life of which I am not ashamed. I have allowed my body to serve as a vehicle of disgust rather than a vessel of honor. The one true exception is the delight I obtain from my family. The Lord has seen fit to bestow upon me uncontainable blessings in my wonderful wife and two children. Truly, in the years of my largely self-serving existence, I have done little if anything to warrant the good things I hold.

I suppose that trepidation is a point that I possess a commonality with countless other souls. It is clearly defined in the Holy Bible that the penitence for sin can be visited upon generations of the transgressors' descendants. That is the thing that fills my heart with dread. Surely the sins of my past would not have their atonement wrought upon my innocent children, would they?

Thankfully, that was "Pre-Grace". When Jesus came to Earth, He lived, taught, bled and died for people as equally vile as I am. In so doing, our lives and our sins are covered by that which flowed from His precious body and spilled onto the same clay that the Father used to create such sinful creatures as ourselves. If we place our allegiance and trust in Him, the sacrifice He made becomes an endowment of forgiveness to all who believe.

I still find myself fretting over what I have done, but that, too, is outside of God's will. If I am to call myself a Christian, then I am called to serve as a witness to all the world in everything I say, do and think. I must strive to live each day of my life as upright and blameless as I can. All else is the Lord's to handle and cover with The Blood; The Blood shed for me.

As this price was paid for and offered to me, I also feel responsible to share that message with others. Jesus Himself commissioned us to share the gift and the gospel to all the world. As a husband and father, my world starts at home. I just recently shared with my wife something she had no knowledge of: Every morning at 5:00am as I am leaving to go to my office, I kiss and pray over each member of my household; pleading that same blood of Christ over my wife and children that God would protect them from sin and danger, returning them all safely home to me. My father used to mention doing the same for us when I was a child. I never realized that the love God poured out for the world was the same love my father blessed me, my mother, and sisters with. In turn, I bestow that loving protection over the hearts and lives of the ones I hold dearest. My only other prayer is that someday I can fully accept that blessing from God that not only allows me to turn my family over to Him, but can also liberate me from my fears.