My Thoughts

My Fears

2010-06-09T06:56:00.000-07:00

To quote Mel Gibson in "The Patriot", "I have long feared that the sins of my youth would be visited upon my children". As I lie awake in bed, I am consumed with fear and break out in an agonizing sweat. (I wonder if this is a hint of what our Lord felt as He agonized over His impending crucifixion while praying in the Garden of Gethsemane; His sweat dripping as drops of blood.) There are many choices that we can make in the course of our lives. I have made those choices; some great, some good, some...not so much. It is those loathsome ones which are the source of my angst. If you were to ask my closest of friends, the ones with whom I confide, they would tell you that there is very little in my life of which I am not ashamed. I have allowed my body to serve as a vehicle of disgust rather than a vessel of honor. The one true exception is the delight I obtain from my family. The Lord has seen fit to bestow upon me uncontainable blessings in my wonderful wife and two children. Truly, in the years of my largely self-serving existence, I have done little if anything to warrant the good things I hold.

I suppose that trepidation is a point that I possess a commonality with countless other souls. It is clearly defined in the Holy Bible that the penitence for sin can be visited upon generations of the transgressors' descendants. That is the thing that fills my heart with dread. Surely the sins of my past would not have their atonement wrought upon my innocent children, would they?

Thankfully, that was "Pre-Grace". When Jesus came to Earth, He lived, taught, bled and died for people as equally vile as I am. In so doing, our lives and our sins are covered by that which flowed from His precious body and spilled onto the same clay that the Father used to create such sinful creatures as ourselves. If we place our allegiance and trust in Him, the sacrifice He made becomes an endowment of forgiveness to all who believe.

I still find myself fretting over what I have done, but that, too, is outside of God's will. If I am to call myself a Christian, then I am called to serve as a witness to all the world in everything I say, do and think. I must strive to live each day of my life as upright and blameless as I can. All else is the Lord's to handle and cover with The Blood; The Blood shed for me.

As this price was paid for and offered to me, I also feel responsible to share that message with others. Jesus Himself commissioned us to share the gift and the gospel to all the world. As a husband and father, my world starts at home. I just recently shared with my wife something she had no knowledge of: Every morning at 5:00am as I am leaving to go to my office, I kiss and pray over each member of my household; pleading that same blood of Christ over my wife and children that God would protect them from sin and danger, returning them all safely home to me. My father used to mention doing the same for us when I was a child. I never realized that the love God poured out for the world was the same love my father blessed me, my mother, and sisters with. In turn, I bestow that loving protection over the hearts and lives of the ones I hold dearest. My only other prayer is that someday I can fully accept that blessing from God that not only allows me to turn my family over to Him, but can also liberate me from my fears.

Everything I Want

2009-10-02T05:07:00.001-07:00

The other day, we had Japanese take-out at the office. After our meal, we each read our fortunes. Mostly the same idiotic babble that you always find in a fortune cookie; "You will be traveling soon" (Yeah...I had to travel 13 miles to work) or "You will receive some money this week" (No kidding??? I get a paycheck EVERY week I work!) or "Someone is thinking of you right now" (That's a no-brainer, too! With all the people we meet over the course of our lives, the law of averages alone tells me that!). But, I digress...That particular day, my fortune read "God will give you everything you want". WOW!!! Everything I want! What an amazing God!!!

Let's see...I want my mortgage and cars and any other debt paid off; a million-dollar...well, as long as it is what I want, a BILLION-dollar slush fund; a new sports car for every day of the week; a mansion in the mountains, at the beach, Hawaii, Italy, Spain and wherever else the "High and Mighty" live; a private jet to take me to them all; the biggest and best of everything to go in all of those mansions; and everything else at the snap of my finger as soon as I think about wanting it. Oh...I forgot...I want my own private luxury cruise ship, fully staffed!

Thanks, God! No rush, just sometime next week will be fine...

Now, if only things were that simple.

The Bible tells us if we are faithful, He will give us the desires of our hearts. Woo Hoo! I just named them! But we are also called upon to take care of the poor and the widows. How does having ANY of that stuff benefit them? Did I ever mention that a "want" of mine was to rid the earth of poverty and disease? After all, this is about what I want, not them, right?

Jesus tells us in The Gospel According to Matthew, Chapter 5, "Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of Heaven...Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth. Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be filled." Now, that sounds like what I want. I am pretty sure that if I had all those "worldly" things, that you wouldn't be able to call me meek. I am sure I, and most of the rest of us, would say "look at MY car" or "look at MY mansions", not, "look what the LORD God has provided for me". Part of being "faithful" is living our lives according to God's Word. Ultimately, being Christians, or Christ-like, is to follow His teachings. I want, more than anything, to be "approved to God, a worker who does not need to be ashamed" (2 Timothy 2:15). To do that, we need to get our minds right, and we need to get our hearts right. The only thing we should "want" is to want to be holy and accepted by God.

LORD, help me...help us to see your hand in our lives. Help us to know that we can be more for The Kingdom than we are. Continue to pour out your grace and mercy upon us, so we can share that same grace and mercy with others. Forgive us for wanting things outside of your will, and help to see that if we place ourselves fully into your will, then the things we want are things that YOU want for US.

I hope to live that prayer. As far as earthly things...I have a nice home (that I do want to be paid off, and I believe it IS in His will for us to be debt-free), and a wonderful family. The LORD has blessed me with a wife and children and possessions that I know I am not deserving of. However, if I live my life the way that God wants me to, then I will be deserving of every blessing I receive both here on earth and in eternity.

That's what I truly want...

What Matters Most (Originally written July 20, 2007)

2009-09-23T13:24:00.000-07:00

Right now, I am 2-1/2 hours from home by air (considerably more than that if I hop into a car and try to drive). Lately I have been so busy, that I am not quite sure which way is up. I work a lot and come home mentally and physically exhausted. Then, of course, there are the things I need to get done, the things I want to get done, and that's all before the "Honey-Do's"! I have home repairs, home renovations, yard work, you-name-it! There just aren't enough hours in the day to do it all. My job is stressful. Not so much that I can't handle it, but just more than I ever thought it would be. I mean, I have taken on a lot more than most guys my age (especially the ones I know) have ever even dreamed of!

So, I try to prioritize. 5:00 am, get up, shower, dress, quick peck on my sleeping wife's cheek and it's off to work! Stay there all day and do my best to make sure that the 40-some families whose livelihoods depend upon our success maintain that hope for another day. Then, I come home late in the evening and just want to sit down, close my eyes, and be left completely and utterly...alone. Grudgingly, I take care of a few things, but mostly my "to-do" list continuously gets longer and longer.

So, where does it end? How do I ever catch up? I don't think I will ever know.

Today is Friday, and a friend of ours has just died. I will fly home tonight and go to his funeral tomorrow. He was a good man. One that took care of his wife and family in a truly loving way. Now, I guess he was in his late 50's or early 60's...still too young to leave. That has made me realize that no matter how much time we are given, it is never enough. Now, I know I have to work so my family will be fed and clothed, but I need to find a way to give them more time. I realize that no matter how tired I am, my son still wants his father to read him a bedtime story. As trivial as it seems to me, it means the WORLD to him as he puts his little hand on my face and says "Thanks, Dad. I love you." Then, with tear-stained eyes, I crawl in bed next to my wife who looks at me, smiles and says "I love you, too".

Does anything else really matter?

Choices (Originally written October 5, 2006)

2009-09-23T13:22:00.000-07:00

I have wondered for a long time now, why it is we make the decisions we make? Sometimes, we make really intelligent choices by taking all variables into account, and weighing all options and possible outcomes before going down that path. Other times...not so much. But have you ever noticed that it seemingly takes about a million GOOD decisions to even come close to erasing ONE bad one?

Even when we have the best of intentions, we can mess up. Even when the best thing to ever occur in our lives is staring us in the face, we often choose to ingnore it and walk away. And why? Why do we walk away? Ignorance? Lack of common sense? Fear?

There have been things in my life that I have wholefully embraced and I know that I made the right choices. On the other hand, there were other things that I chose to do that I know now, after many years of reflection, were most definitely the wrong things to do. Sadly, I can never go back and "fix" it, neither can I ever make it right. All I can do is to try and make sure I always weigh those variables before I do anything.One area I was really lacking in was listening to God. He has told me all along what is best, but I seemed to play the part of a child with fingers in ears saying "La la la la...La la la la" and ignored Him. So, I approach tomorrow with a new attitude. Saddle up...grab the bull by the horns...open the gate...and hold on until God says it's time to let go. I am truly sorry for walking away when I should have been running towards. But you know, if you begin to listen to God's "still small voice", that walking away may actually lead you in a circle. When the circle completes itself, go forward. It's the 2nd best choice you can make.

Contentment (Originally written July 11, 2006)

2009-09-23T13:19:00.000-07:00

Why are we never content? We seem to always be in search of the bigger and better, the could-have's, the dangling carrot. Why are humans determined to refuse a state of contentment, no matter the cost? We spend so much time looking ahead to that "carrot" that we don't take the time to realize what we have right in front of us. God only knows why.

Oddly, however, while we are watching that "carrot", we seem to be looking over our shoulders. What might have been? What could I have had? What if I had done this?

Do you think maybe our lives could be lived more abundantly, more fully, if we just stop for a moment and reflect on the blessings that God has placed in our lives? Can we, for just a moment, actually be...content? Or is that a concept long forgotten in our "Keeping up with the Jones's" humanity? Take a step back and look at the Jones's; are they any happier than the rest of us? If the Jones's were, in fact, content, why would we have to "keep up"? We would all eventually catch up to them. But wait, if we caught the Jones's, would we then be content? Or would we still embark on the unending journey to find that bigger, better carrot? Only to find, at the end of our days, that even at death, we still have not found that state of true contentment.